


Five Times the So-Called 'Mighty Thor' Cried Mercy, by Lucy Skywalker

by GloriaMundi



Category: Loki: Agent of Asgard, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Characters Writing Fanfiction, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2014-10-02
Packaged: 2018-02-19 15:31:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2393573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GloriaMundi/pseuds/GloriaMundi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is CANON that Loki writes fic:<br/><img/></p><p>... but what, pray, does (teenage boy-band sekrit agent) Loki write?</p><p>I felt the answer was obvious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times the So-Called 'Mighty Thor' Cried Mercy, by Lucy Skywalker

**1: A Helping Hand**

> "Indeed, Steve Rogers, your prowess in battle has made a great impression on me," breathed the Mighty Thor huskily, fondling the shaft of his hammer (Mjolnir, of course, not his _penis_ \-- though it was well known in Asgard that the one stood for the other).

Loki'd originally understood, from various forums and online communities, that one wasn't supposed to _giggle_ when writing slash. It was Serious Business. It was _Literature_. But this was definitely, what was the term? Cracked. No, wait. Crack-fic. Just a bit of fun.

> "La, you flatter me, o mighty Thor."

Too much? No, Loki decided: he'd seen Captain America blush like a maid when Thor complimented his martial skills, so it made sense to match his dialogue to his manner.

> "I would be honored if you would share my bath," murmured Thor. "We might wash the sweat and blood of battle from one another's skin."
> 
> "Gosh. Wow. Um." Captain America blushed and trembled like a virgin. (This was because he was one.) "Thor, I -- this is all so unexpected. But I can't!"
> 
> "You have taken a view of chastity, perhaps?" said Thor, who was very disappointed.
> 
> "No! It's just that -- the costume, you know. It's very ..."
> 
> "Tight? Aye, so I had observed. But we are comrades, Steven. Let me help you out of that restrictive ..."

What was the damned word? Ah yes.

> "...codpiece."

* * *

Okay, so there hadn't been much to his first posted fic, but people were reading it. It had hits. It had kudos! It had comments! (Loki skipped over the ones that said "jdfshkljds HOT!!!" and deleted the anonymous comment that said "As a good friend of Captain America, it's my duty to inform you that (a) the Avengers do not tolerate RPF unless it's better-written than this and (b) Cap doesn't have a codpiece, it's more like a cricket box, stop reading your mom's bodice-rippers."

Interesting, though: was it _really_ someone who knew Captain America? Loki couldn't help noticing that 'Guest' hadn't said anything about _Thor_ , or about despoiling the national icons of Asgard and the United States.

Also, what the fuck was a cricket box?

**2\. Kneeling**

> "Kneel," ordered the red-haired assassin, "and worship me."
> 
> "My lady --" began Thor.
> 
> "And be quiet about it," snapped the Widow. 

This could, of course, all go terribly wrong: if that anonymous commenter really did know Captain America, then chances were they also knew the Black Widow. Loki didn't like to think about a vengeful Natasha Romanoff hunting him down. Still, there was nothing to tie 'Lucy Skywalker' to Loki of Asgardia ...

> The Black Widow raised one perfectly-plucked eyebrow. "Performance issues, Thunderer? I thought you were supposed to be a god."
> 
> Thor's face heated. "I --"
> 
> "Never mind. You have a tongue. Hands. I suggest you use them."

* * *

This time, the comments were rather less positive. "A vagina is not BOTANY FFS, if I have to read one more sex scene where ladybits are 'delicate flowers' with 'petals' I will CRY." And apparently he should've spent rather less time contemplating, and then describing, the exact colour of Black Widow's pubic hair.

He deleted the anonymous comment that read, "Brave choice. It's been nice knowing you, kid".

At least he'd gotten plenty of kudos.

**3\. A Mechanical Marvel**

> "Man of Iron," rumbled Thor, "I would test your strength against mine."
> 
> "Not happening, Goldilocks," said Tony Stark, safe within his shining battle-garb. "I need to go polish my --"
> 
> "Aye, a good _polishing_ is a worthy pastime," said Thor, leering. "But one that is better performed in company. Come, Stark: are we not comrades? I believe you will be a worthy partner in --"
> 
> A brief flurry of motion -- the clang of uru metal against titanium-gold alloy -- and Stark was pinned beneath the hammer's formidable weight.
> 
> "Now," purred Thor, "let us see who masters who."

Really, if Stark didn't want people writing about him, he shouldn't have let so much of his life be documented on the Midgardian internet. There were some very inspirational YouTube videos, too. Loki had spent several hours _researching_ the juvenile exploits of Tony Stark, and was planning an epic series of fics in which Stark submitted to various Avengers, celebrities and mythological beings.

But right now he wasn't focussing on Stark.

> "Man of metal!" Thor protested. "This is not --"
> 
> Stark had struggled manfully under Mjolnir's weight: but now that his invisible servant JARVIS had animated the armour, the tables were turned. The hammer dislodged ...

(Loki couldn't actually figure out how even JARVIS could move Mjolnir: but you didn't have to explain _everything_ in fic, right?)

> ... the Iron Man armour held Thor immobile, ignoring his protests.
> 
> "I've done some upgrades," said Stark -- or was it JARVIS? "I think you'll appreciate them."
> 
> Thor whimpered as a fearsomely huge metal phallus, articulated and gleaming, began to appear from the armour's groin.
> 
> "Chill," said Stark. "It's self-lubing. Mechanic, remember?"

* * *

This chapter had gotten a _lot_ more hits than the others. "Glad to see you're finally living up to the 'Explicit' rating," said one commenter. "HAWT!!!1!!!!" said another.

Someone had posted a link to some fanart of Thor being buggered by the Iron Man suit. They'd got his scars wrong.

**4\. Taming the Beast**

> The battle had been fierce, but now the Avengers' enemy was defeated. Sexbots lay dismembered all down the street: a shapely leg here, an ample bosom there, a blonde head with a round, open, scarlet mouth. The Mighty Thor wiped grease and lipstick from his vambraces. Such perversity, to send an army of mechanical nymphomaniacs against downtown Manhattan!
> 
> A shadow fell over him. It was the Hulk.
> 
> "Greetings, friend," said Thor, smiling.
> 
> "Hulk feel STRANGE," boomed the beast, its breath hot and foul. "Hulk WANT."
> 
> A huge green hand squeezed Thor's ass, and Thor squealed like one of his darling goats.

Hah. All of human knowledge, apparently, and Google still couldn't resolve the burning question of whether goats could be said to squeal. What the hell, thought Loki. Artistic licence. Anyway, it's not like Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr were _normal_ goats.

> "I w-would not fight you," stammered Thor, eyeing the distressingly large bulge in the Hulk's Stark-designed stretchy pants. "You are --"
> 
> The Hulk pawed at Thor's groin, clearly searching for a response, and found none. (Really, thought Thor: I used to be a fertility god, and now I can't even get it up.) "Puny god," said Hulk, disgusted, and stomped away in search of a more enthusiastic partner.

.

Loki ... well, he'd -- what was the word? -- he'd squicked _himself_ with that one. Thinking about the Hulk and sex ... Ouch. The beast was probably a virgin. Maybe Captain America and Banner could sort that one out between them, and ... 

* * *

"Yr title sucks," said one of the commenters. "The Hulk doesn't get tamed at all. Stop tagging with hulksex if you don't mean it."

"No, wait," said the next comment. "Goats? Maybe that's the beast that Thor tamed."

Loki made notes. He'd be done with this 'Five Things' fic soon enough, and he'd found that posting fic was strangely fulfilling.

**5\. A Watchful Eye**

> "I see better from a distance," said the archer, staring down at Thor from his perch in the roofspace.
> 
> "Well," said Thor cheerfully, spreading his arms wide, "I'm right here, in plain sight."
> 
> "So you are," said Hawkeye. "But I'd kinda like to see more of you."
> 
> "I don't understand," said Thor, who was not the brightest of the Asgardians.
> 
> "Strip," said Hawkeye. "Slowly."

Whatever else you might say about Thor (and Loki had said a _lot_ , much of it profoundly insulting) he did have a spectacular physique. Loki Alt-Tabbed to shirtlessavengers.tumblr.com and clicked on the Thor tag. Mmmm. Excellent. There was a photo -- unattributed, more's the pity -- of Thor's torso, and it started at the neck, so Loki didn't have to be distracted by Thor's open, friendly, stupid face. He imagined Thor doing a clumsy strip-tease for Hawkeye. Then, unzipping his pants, he imagined the scene in greater detail, with Hawkeye's muscular arms --

"Loki?"

_Fuuuuuck._

"Thor?" managed Loki, trying to simultaneously remove his hand from his dick, close his browser and minimise his (unsaved) Word document.

"What is this?" said Thor, leaning over Loki's shoulder to peer at the laptop screen. Loki heard the hitch in Thor's breath as he realised just what Loki's other hand had been doing. "Is that ... me?" said Thor, his voice abruptly a register lower.

"Research," said Loki thinly. "I -- it's been drawn to my attention that someone's been writing ... filthy stories about the Avengers. The Allmother," he went on, struck by inspiration, "the Allmother asked me to --"

"Loki," said Thor, his voice like distant thunder. "Stark's been ..." Loki could see his reflection in the screen. It was frowning. "Something about IP addresses." (He pronounced IP to rhyme with 'hip'.) "And you know far more about me than any Midgardian would. Goats? Uru?"

"Errrrr..."

"You're Lucy Skywalker."

"I can explain," said Loki. Thor's breath was hot on the back of his neck.

"No, Loki," said Thor, and now there was amusement in his voice. He wrapped his huge hand around Loki's own. "You don't need to make up any more stories. It's obvious. You just want ... _this_."

"Oh my god," said Loki faintly, feeling the hard hot length beneath his hand.

He didn't know if his research would be enough for him to handle this, but -- hell, he wanted to try.

"And now," said Thor, sliding his other hand under Loki's t-shirt, "we'll see who _truly_ cries mercy."

-end-

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to **bravofiftyone** for (a) laughing out loud at the funny bits (b) querying a few Technical Terms (c) ~~inciting~~ encouraging me to post.


End file.
